the darkest side of myself

像恶魔

像黑洞

会待在一个角落，生人勿近，靠近我就把你给吃掉

像没有一件开心的事曾发生在我身上

像是被遗弃、被边缘的人

会了无生气、行尸走肉、眼睛失去光彩

会把自己给丢掉



庆幸，得以抽身...现在不是这样了

就让我emo一下罢

尤其是在晚上，就会觉得静静的，周围的动作渐渐放轻...心慢慢地沉淀...

目前正在努力地练习新的thought, in order to add something from current into my old irrational thoughts...

the old irrational thought is still there, it's still there...but i will add in the new rational thoughts eventually... someday

已经想过很多次：我要独自去旅行几天。
目前情况不允许，那就找一天，把电话关了，把电脑关了，一个人去走走。

嗯，“想要一个人呆着” 和 “我永远都是一个人” 是有差别的。

我可以要一个人呆着

疲累

每当和娘讨论学费的问题时，都会迅速感到疲累...因为当她倍感压力，就会不自觉的尝试把那压力转移到我身上，比如说：开始问我为什么“没有打算”找工作（她已经assumed我没有找工作的自觉问这一句，我会感到压迫，好像我现在应该立刻停止学业，去赚钱），接下来就是建议的工作范围（提出的都考虑过了，现实是我现在没有时间），再接下来就是碎碎念她应该一天20小时工作才可以赚到我的学费，就会举出她可能会做的工作，再接下来她就会眉头深锁，不说话了...
....我能说什么？我能做什么？

我深刻地体验到当父母的理财理念及实行出现问题的时候，孩子们（尤其是长子或长女）会面对的经济上的难题及心理上的难熬。

thesis V.S. CNY

CNY is around the corner and I'm packing coz tomorrow will back to my hometown... 


at the same time, my thesis... still in progress... but I'm worry that the progress is too slow and afraid I couldn't submit the proposal in time... sigh... having a dilemma right now


I guess I have no time to read my journals when I back to my hometown... have to help my mum in the kitchen... social with uncles aunties cousins... visiting relatives etc. ... these activities will eat up my majority holiday time...


I already have a brief idea of my thesis but have to specify and justify... ORZ... plus, my friends' supervisor said what is the expected standard for thesis, even how to construct a thesis proposal is different from what we learnt in the past two years (the proposals that we wrote in the past two years are way too simple and immature )... and now, those supervisors expect to see some maturity in the proposal...


BIG CHALLENGE!! (>.<)


well, I think I manage to get some time free to construct my thesis and at the same time, enjoy my CNY holiday (which seems impossible but I'll try)

(自言自语) 什么时候可以做完我的thesis 吖？（遥望~）

can I?

I just don't want to cry alone in the middle of night again...
my pandora's box has opened... forcefully by my mother...

at the end, she can't handle it, and she just let me deal with my emotion alone...

i cried and scream silently in my room... until i feel there's no more tears for me to cry

these 2 days i feel emptiness and lost... i live just like a doll, a robot...

i covered the box temporary, for me able to carry out daily activities

but i know i can be brave to face what is inside the box...
when i can face and deal with it, i'm closer to the day that i can smile from the bottom of my heart

that day will come, soon...

THESIS

真的不简单，第一次一个人做整份report，包括search lit.review、think of research ideas~~~

这几天收到supervisor 的回复后，头痛了好几天...要加什么东西进去我的题目里可以使到它比较特别叻？

加上真的很赶，要在这个星期交出proposal...

只有做了

a day with excitement

today, me and my group had presented a drama (sort of) for forensic psych subject... it was about a killer, who killed (suspected) his wife and daughters.
this drama divided into 2 scenes: 1st scene was describing what the killer has told the police; 2nd scene was how the police think...
so, i'm acted as the killer...

in the 1st scene, i have to show great sorrow when i found out "my family" was killed by someone else, without any lines...
whereas in 2nd scene, i have to "kill" "my wife" and "my daughters" cruelly...

that means, i have to show great amount of emotions which i usually don't show. the feeling of sorrow and anger are strong feelings... (challenging~~)

however, i manage to act it out (yay~~)... the respond from the audience was quite positive (maybe most of them are attracted to the wife, by the way, the wife is a he)...

just that, after the acting, i was in "low battery"...

it kind of a good experience for me though... as in i seldom express strong emotions...

it's the last month for the year 2011~~ preparing my thesis, finals... but i think i still manage to have time to recap what i've done in this year and summarize it, like i use to do...