稍微写写

哦，我毕业了。虽然还没拿到毕业证书、出席毕业典礼（话说HELP的毕业典礼需要付费而且很贵~~）、没考完试，不过，大学最后一堂课在上个星期结束了... 虽然最后一堂课我果断地旷掉了... 算啦~
没有毕业的实感。没有“哦~我要出来社会工作了...不再是学生了..." 的感觉。也许是在年中放假时就开始工作了，已经渐渐地习惯。
不过，看着身边的朋友们，有觉得自己成熟了很多~呵呵~

最近慢慢开始参与沙登佛教会青年团，想开始出一份力了。

对于大学朋友（includes好朋友），虽然不常见面，但也不会觉得寂寞。只是和自己的时间变多了。了解我们开始没有机会再像以前时常因上课而见面、彼此都有自己的生活。看来友谊的考验在毕业后就开始了：因少联络而渐渐疏远。
清楚知道自己是不会主动去联络朋友（抱着"就这样呗"、"时间配不上"的想法），若是友谊就因为这样变淡，就说这段友谊也不堪一击(!?) 呵呵，讲到很自大酱...

一个人也能生活的我，对于友谊的执念没那么强。只是想分享有趣事情的时候，只有我一个人，不是很好玩。独乐乐不如众乐乐~还是有朋友好

还是有朋友会有事没事来跟我闲聊一下，倍感贴心吖。原来朋友的关心是可以维持友谊的吖~

只是唯独那个家伙(?)，不想特别理他。现在他是陷入粉红粉红的氛围里，大概这三个月是不用去理他，他也能过得不错和开心。三个月后，待他的粉红气息稍微没那么强烈后，才能和他正常沟通罢！那这三个月我就好好跟自己玩儿，也和其他朋友好好相处。

嗯，现在他只是位默契很好的朋友。我不需要再依靠他，现在这距离是恰当的。

关于世界末日的传言...... hmm... 其实我没什么概念该做什么。若那天来了就来呗！到时再看看可以做什么。我不要生活在忧虑当中。

就此~

erm... just some updates

论文赶完了！！！3个星期前的事
现在一边做工，一边等着开课...
虽然说每天对着14位5岁的学生是不会闷的，但是每天上班还是会不适应（一直想出去玩或呆在家...）。现在好不容易有了一个星期的假期，朋友们却不得空... 唉，难道这就是“打工族”和学生的差别吗？虽然还没毕业，但已经知道学生的身份是最好的。

我的健康在连续一个月的熬夜及压力变得大不如前了... 现在扫个地都会觉得很累和脚痠... 消化系统也是... 不过休息了3个星期，渐渐正常中...

最近有感慨时间的流逝。当我看着我最小的弟弟的时候
想当初，他是那么小小的一个人（任我摆布....... erm.....），现在的他已经和我同高然后正准备着小六评估考试，开始有自己的想法（不过还是任我摆布... 呵呵~有时觉得做老大的还不错）。
当他成年时，我已经30岁了~~~ o(︶︿︶)o 唉...

就此

it's been a while

first of all, I should be graduating by this month but still have 2 LAN subjects and some electives haven't cleared, so have to extend another semester.

I went back to the kindergarten that I worked for last year during semester break, plan to work there until my new semester start. Have to earn money ar~~ have to be prepare for the living after my graduation and also got a course that I want to take a long time ago, and also some things that I want to buy and do for a long time... MONEY IS THE KEY TO COMPLETE THESE THINGS!! sigh...

So, my daily energy has been separated into 2 major parts: morning go to work; and afternoon till night is Thesis time... (still have another 3 weeks ar~~ 10K words need to bluff ar~) luckily, after the stressful month of preparing proposal, I had experience on writing report and I also know what I want to explain... just that, when I read back the proposal that I wrote, I was like "how can I wrote this rubbish?!" the proposal that wrote under extreme stress, is bad... oh well, it passed.

that's all for now... back to "thesis mode"...

p/s: got a friend describe my brain as the i7 processor (means the speed of my brain = the speed of 7 brains) love this description, hohoho

机器人

“机器人”是我唯一一个没有和我名字有关系的外号。原因在于，我倾向于理智；理解和记得的事情很少会有感情的成分。分析及总结是我在行的。

只是，这样生活着，我累了。所以这几年来都努力着变得“人性化”一些（虽然我已经是活生生的人类，说这些话好像有点.... oh well）然后渐渐地看到成果了。首先，我的表情增加、话变多了、比较主动在课业以外找同学聊天等...

并没有排斥有着“机器人”性格的我，因为那是我吖~

嗯，就此罢

the darkest side of myself

像恶魔

像黑洞

会待在一个角落，生人勿近，靠近我就把你给吃掉

像没有一件开心的事曾发生在我身上

像是被遗弃、被边缘的人

会了无生气、行尸走肉、眼睛失去光彩

会把自己给丢掉



庆幸，得以抽身...现在不是这样了

就让我emo一下罢

尤其是在晚上，就会觉得静静的，周围的动作渐渐放轻...心慢慢地沉淀...

目前正在努力地练习新的thought, in order to add something from current into my old irrational thoughts...

the old irrational thought is still there, it's still there...but i will add in the new rational thoughts eventually... someday

已经想过很多次：我要独自去旅行几天。
目前情况不允许，那就找一天，把电话关了，把电脑关了，一个人去走走。

嗯，“想要一个人呆着” 和 “我永远都是一个人” 是有差别的。

我可以要一个人呆着

疲累

每当和娘讨论学费的问题时，都会迅速感到疲累...因为当她倍感压力，就会不自觉的尝试把那压力转移到我身上，比如说：开始问我为什么“没有打算”找工作（她已经assumed我没有找工作的自觉问这一句，我会感到压迫，好像我现在应该立刻停止学业，去赚钱），接下来就是建议的工作范围（提出的都考虑过了，现实是我现在没有时间），再接下来就是碎碎念她应该一天20小时工作才可以赚到我的学费，就会举出她可能会做的工作，再接下来她就会眉头深锁，不说话了...
....我能说什么？我能做什么？

我深刻地体验到当父母的理财理念及实行出现问题的时候，孩子们（尤其是长子或长女）会面对的经济上的难题及心理上的难熬。

thesis V.S. CNY

CNY is around the corner and I'm packing coz tomorrow will back to my hometown... 


at the same time, my thesis... still in progress... but I'm worry that the progress is too slow and afraid I couldn't submit the proposal in time... sigh... having a dilemma right now


I guess I have no time to read my journals when I back to my hometown... have to help my mum in the kitchen... social with uncles aunties cousins... visiting relatives etc. ... these activities will eat up my majority holiday time...


I already have a brief idea of my thesis but have to specify and justify... ORZ... plus, my friends' supervisor said what is the expected standard for thesis, even how to construct a thesis proposal is different from what we learnt in the past two years (the proposals that we wrote in the past two years are way too simple and immature )... and now, those supervisors expect to see some maturity in the proposal...


BIG CHALLENGE!! (>.<)


well, I think I manage to get some time free to construct my thesis and at the same time, enjoy my CNY holiday (which seems impossible but I'll try)

(自言自语) 什么时候可以做完我的thesis 吖？（遥望~）

can I?

I just don't want to cry alone in the middle of night again...
my pandora's box has opened... forcefully by my mother...

at the end, she can't handle it, and she just let me deal with my emotion alone...

i cried and scream silently in my room... until i feel there's no more tears for me to cry

these 2 days i feel emptiness and lost... i live just like a doll, a robot...

i covered the box temporary, for me able to carry out daily activities

but i know i can be brave to face what is inside the box...
when i can face and deal with it, i'm closer to the day that i can smile from the bottom of my heart

that day will come, soon...

THESIS

真的不简单，第一次一个人做整份report，包括search lit.review、think of research ideas~~~

这几天收到supervisor 的回复后，头痛了好几天...要加什么东西进去我的题目里可以使到它比较特别叻？

加上真的很赶，要在这个星期交出proposal...

只有做了